Make Me Laugh

Things have been pretty intense this fall - what with a 500 year flood and a ferocious flu season. So I think it's time to get back to the blog and lighten things up...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.  He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus.

Unknown

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.  When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.  That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Unknown

I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.

Robert Heinlein

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Poul Anderson

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.  Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

Ogden Nash

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

Unknown

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Dan Quayle

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

Dave Barry